February is National Teen Dating
Violence Prevention Month
How many of you are familiar
with the Chris Brown assault upon his girlfriend Rhianna? Chris Brown and
Rhianna are two pop stars, who made national headlines when Chris beat Rhianna
after they fought over a text message from another girl. Regardless of how
angry he got her, he had no right to hit her; and he should have walked away
when he got that angry. How do you think
he should have responded to this situation? Since this was not the first time he had beaten
her, why do you think she stayed? What do you think she could have done to
prevent the abuse from her partner? According to some teens they feel this is common
in relationships, and unfortunately, this has become there comfort zone. Statistics show that one in three
teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence,
one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse.
If you will look around your
classroom, church, auditorium, or any public setting and think of these
statistics, as you take a mental snapshot of your classmates. One in three
girls are sexually assaulted before the age 18 and one of six boys; and that is
only the ones who have reported it. 90% of sexually assaulted children never
report it. They don't report being raped by an abuser, a family member, their
partner, or a stranger because of shame, feeling dirty, wondering what they did
to deserve it, they don't want to break up the family, feel like no one will
believe them, or does not want to get the abuser in trouble. This also allows
the perpetrator to hurt someone else because they don't stop, seldom change w/o
counseling, and you can't fix them.
Regardless of age, Teen and
adult abusive partners will demonstrate some of the following classic abusive behaviors:
At first they shower you
with a lot of affection, gifts, and love. Then they become very
·
Controlling what you say;
who you talk to; where you go; and how you dress
·
excessively texts you
·
belittling you in front of
friends and family
·
Hitting you; leaving bruises
and cuts
·
verbally abusing you
·
isolating you from friends
and family
·
emotional outburst
·
uses force in arguments
·
always blames others for
their mistakes and faults
·
sexually assaults you
·believe their partners are their possession; then they
become obsessed with them, which can lead to stalking:
·Stalking is the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or
harassing of another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to
attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise
unavailable. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a
series of actions that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is
illegal, the actions that contribute to stalking are legal, such as gathering
information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant
messaging. Such actions by themselves are not usually abusive, but can become
abusive when frequently repeated over time. http://law.findlaw.com/state-laws/stalking/louisiana/
|
Willful, malicious, and repeated following or harassing with
intent to place in fear of death or bodily injury.
|
|
|
Punishment/Classification
|
Maximum 1 year jail and $1000 fine. If had dangerous weapon:
fine $1,000 and/or jail 1 year. If stalking and protective order for same
victim, or criminal proceeding for stalking victim or injunction: jail 90
days minimum and 2 years maximum and/or fined maximum $5,000. If victim under
18, maximum 1 year and/or $2000 fine. Note: anyone over 13 who stalks a child
12 and under and is found to have placed child in reasonable fear of death or
bodily injury of family member shall be punished by 1 year minimum, 3 years
maximum in jail and/or $1,500 minimum, $5,000 maximum fine
|
|
Penalty for Repeat Offense
|
If 2nd within 7 years: jail minimum 180 days and maximum 3
years and/or fined maximum $5,000. If 3rd or subsequent within 7 years: jail
minimum 2 years and maximum 5 years and/or fined maximum $5,000
|
Abusers will try to isolate
you from your family, do not let them. If you find yourself or someone you know
in an abusive relationship talk to a teacher, family member, pastor, counselor,
or call the FACSA Foundation. The important thing is to tell.
So how do young men and young women get involved partner, when they should
know better and leave? Out of 6 billion people in
the world, why do we fall in love with the partners we choose? You can walk
into a room of people and may find many attractive, but there will be one who
captivates your interest more than the others because of pheromones. Your nose
emits odorless chemicals called pheromones that peeks your interest around a
certain individual. Guys like to impress girls with their status, wit, charm,
physical appearance, humor, and talents. While ladies like to impress the guys
by twirling their fingers in their hair, batting their eyes, acting sweet and
charming, or pretending to be interested in something they could care less
about. Now guys, this does not mean you
can put your sweaty armpits in the girl’s faces to make them fall madly in love
with; this will probably get you hit a few times.
Another factor, besides
being a hormonal teenager, is the fact that, as we grow up, we watch our
parents every day. We see them laugh together, love each other, or we see them
argue with one another, cheat on one another, lie to each other, or be abusive
to each other; and this imprint becomes our comfort zone and the model of our
future relationships. We say I will never be like my mother or I will never be
like my dad, but subconsciously we choose our first loves that have tendencies
like our parents because this is our comfort zone. It isn't until we get older,
with more experience, for us to realize what kind of relationship is a healthy
relationship and find a person who loves us, as we are, with flaws and all.
Because when it comes down to it, you
will never change them, you cannot fix them, they will not get better, and
abuse only escalates. You cannot love enough for two; nor can you make it work
by yourself. You deserve to be loved and
accepted as you are; and you have to pass on others until you find a partner who
can do that. Not everyone will fit into the mold you fantasize as your soul
mate; and trying to make them into what you want will only lead to a lot of
heart of ache. If you are dating an abusive partner, regardless of how much you
love them, you have to ask yourself, is this someone I would want to have
children with. Would I want my children to be yelled at and belittled for every
little thing they do wrong? Your children deserve better than that; you deserve
better than that. If you have someone in
your life that is physically and verbally abusive to you, you need to tell your
family, a teacher, a counselor, the FACSA Foundation, or an adult who will
listen; and keep telling until someone listens. Abused friends and family will
demonstrate the following behaviors:
·
Their partner controls what
they say; who they talk to; where they go; and how they dress
·
They may/will be manipulated
with money by their abuser
·
Their partner will make them
fearful by actions or looks
·
Hitting them; leaving
bruises and cuts
·
verbally abusing them
·
be isolated from friends and
family
·
will take up for abuser; and
may mention their abuse but laugh it off as a joke
·
they will try to please the
abuser in anyway, but nothing will ever please them
·
believe they are their
partners possession
·
Is always blamed for their
partners mistakes and faults
·
Has been sexually assaults
by their partner
- Know the facts about relationship abuse.
- Give assurance that you believe your friend’s story.
- Listen and let her share her feelings.
- Do not judge or give advice. Talk about available
options and resources.
- Physical safety is the first priority. If you
believe a friend is in danger, voice that concern. Help create a safety plan.
- Respect your friend’s right to confidentiality.
- Say that you care and want to help.
- Don’t be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you
think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the
relationship as well. People who are being controlled by their partner’s
behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about
how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her
throughout the process.
- Give clear messages, including:
- Your actions do not cause the abuse.
- You are not to blame for your partner’s behavior.
- You cannot change her partner’s behavior.
- Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
- You are not alone.
- Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of
control.
- It is helpful to provide support to survivors. However,
there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for
them to hear:
- Don’t tell them what to do, when to leave or when not
to leave.
- Don’t tell them to go back to the situation and try a
little harder.
- Don’t rescue them by trying to find quick solutions.
- Don’t suggest you try to talk to the abusive partner
to straighten things out.
- Don’t place yourself in danger by confronting the
abuser.
- Don’t tell them they should stay for the sake of the
children.
- Never recommend couples counseling in situations of
emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for the victim and will
not lead to a resolution.
- Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if
they want counseling.
Adapted from EWA, Canada
When talking to a survivor of sexual
assault, here are some key ideas to keep in mind:
- Validation:
Accept what you hear. Many survivors fear they will not be believed. They
are afraid that their experience will be minimized as “not important” or
made into a catastrophe. Let the survivor state her or his views,
feelings, beliefs, and opinions. Do not be judgmental.
- Empowerment:
Allow survivors to direct their own course of action, no matter how much
you think your idea would help them. An assault takes away the victim’s
power and control over their self and situation; regaining that sense of
control helps the survivor in the recovery process.
- Information:
Present survivors with resources and available options. Initially, the
victim may be so overwhelmed that it is impossible for them to hear
everything. Be patient and willing to repeat yourself. Respect the
person’s decision as to what to do.
- Privacy:
Assure survivors that you will keep the matter private. Explain that you
may need to consult with resources to understand how to help her. If total
anonymity is necessary, you and/or the survivor may get information and
support without revealing your names.
- Listen:
Let survivors disclose as much about the assault as they are comfortable
with. Do not press for details, as this can feel intrusive and
controlling.
In responding to the survivor use
the same words she or he does in describing the event. If the survivor uses the
word “rape,” then use it in reflective listening. If the survivor uses the
expression “something bad happened,” stay with that. Be empathetic,
non-judgmental, and help the survivor feel safe. Avoid labeling the experience
for them. Remember, survivors may feel guilty and responsible. You can reassure
them that no one deserves to be assaulted and it was not their fault. Be
particularly sensitive if a survivor has special needs based on ethnicity,
gender, religion, sexual orientation, and/or disability.
Even though it should never
occur, the fact is dating violence and abuse happens every day, regardless of
education or the lack thereof, rich or poor, race, or religion. People do not
leave because they are afraid to; they are mentally and physically beaten down;
or feel they have nowhere to turn.
·
If you have been abused by
your partner, or you know someone who has you can call for resources:
·
the FACSA Foundation (318) 539-2571; or email
us at facsasavethechildren@hotmail.com
·
the National Dating Abuse
Hotline 1 (866) 331-9474
·
loveisrespect.org is a new 24 hour resource
that utilizes telephone and web-based interactive technology to reach teens and
young adults experiencing dating abuse. The Helpline numbers are: (866)
331-9474 and TTY (866) 331-8453. The peer to peer online individual chat function
is available from 4 p.m. to midnight and can be accessed from the website.
·
Local Springhill Police
(318) 539-2511
·
National Domestic Violence
Hotline 1(800) 799-7233
If you plan on leaving, make
a safe exit:
- Know the phone number of a safe house or a local women’s battered
shelter
- Tell someone you trust and develop a plan; use code words if you are
in trouble. A visual sign could be if the light is on it is safe; if the
light is off you are in trouble
- Go to a doctor if you are injured and report the incident
- Do not go back to the abuser; your life could be at risk and no love
is worth that.
- File a report and let the charges stick; regardless of the partner’s
threats
- Reassure children of a safe place and their job is not to protect you.
- Keep the car fueled, money hidden, cell charged, and evacuation plan
ready
- Pack a bag and hide it if necessary, with important documents, like
social security numbers, birth certificates, medical information, marriage
license, extra car keys, car title, banking information, important phone
numbers, shoes, clothes, and toiletry items; maybe the kids favorite toy,
to calm them.
- Know abusers schedule and a safe time to leave
- Erase you internet search history and be careful who you reach out to
- If you call for help, immediately dial another number right after
that, so the abuser will not know who you called last.
If you leave:
- Change your routine
- keep your doors locked
keep a certified copy of your restraining
order with you at all times. (6 months max; can get a $500 fine or
imprisonment)
- Install security systems in your new place
- Get a P O Box
- Get caller id
- Avoid going to where the abuser is, when possible. If necessary, carry
protectors with you like law enforcement.
You don’t deserve to be treated
this way; you do deserve to be valued as
a person, listened to without being yelled at, criticized, or judged; and you
deserve to be loved. Despite what you think that person is bringing to your
life, they are actually taking more than they offer. You can’t afford to trade
yourself, your self -esteem, or possibly, your life for what you have
them? You have to learn to value
yourself as a person, respect yourself despite your mistakes; and know today is
a new day to start fresh. Learn to protect yourself and make better choices for
your life; because every choice you make, regardless of how small, will affect
the rest of your life. Every action becomes a behavior; and a behavior becomes
who you are. There will be times in your life where you will have to take a
good hard look at your life; and change what you don't like about it.
I will close with a quote
from Jim Rohn, “If you don’t make a plan for your life, chances are, you will
fall into someone else’s; and guess what they have planned for you; not much!”
Connie Lee/FACSA
Foundation/Founder/President
Facsasavethechildren.com
|
The Dating Bill of Rights
I Have The Right To:
·
Ask
for a date
·
Refuse
a date
·
Suggest
Activities
·
Refuse
any activities,
Even
if my date is
Excited
about them
·
Have
my own feelings
And
be able to express
Them
·
Say,
“I think my friend
Is
wrong and their
Actions
are inappropriate.
·
Tell
Someone Not To
Interrupt
Me
·
Have
my limits and
Values
respected
·
Tell
my partner when
I
need affection
·
Refuse
affection
·
Be
heard
·
Refuse
to lend money
·
Refuse
sex anytime,
For
any reason
·
Have
friends and
Space
aside from
My
partner
I
Have The Responsibility Too
·
Determine
my limits and
Values
·
Respect
the limits of others
·
Communicate
clearly and
Honestly
·
Not
violate limits of others
·
Ask
for help when I need it
·
Be
considerate
·
Check
my actions and decisions
To
determine whether they are
Good
or bad for me
·
Set
High Goals For Myself
|
No comments:
Post a Comment